Hospitalizations - Shining a light in a dreary situation

I had never been in a hospital prior to having my first son. After he was born, I ended up back there three times within the first two months of his life. (Perforated appendix, then two very serious bouts of mastitis.) We also ended up with a 5-day stint at the local Children's Hospital when he was nine days old. That one was one of the hardest experiences of my life.

Broken and overwhelmed when my newborn was admitted.

Basically, within weeks, I went from being a hospital newbie, to a hospital veteran! By the third stay, my husband and I had our packing lists down; and he had perfected the "art" of making the sleeping chair passably comfortable. We also got to know the nurses pretty well, and settled into routines that involved him leaving during the day to spend time with our new baby while I tried to rest and heal.

Hospitals are amazing and necessary places where we are fortunate to get medical care when needed; but they can also be isolating and dreary when stays are for any extended period of time. It can also be awkward for loved ones to visit, depending on the situation - and ranging from reasons of lack of chairs and comfortable room for people, to topics of conversation. It's easy to get homesick, and stressed out about the happenings in "normal life" that one can't take care of or experience - both on the side of the patient, and their immediate family.

My goal in this post is to share a few of my personal experiences, and offer insight and suggestions for ways to practically and tangibly support and encourage those who find themselves or their family members facing hospitalization. (Of course, many of these ideas can also be generally applied to other situations where illness has impacted a loved one.)

Visiting

• This can be a welcome distraction, or something that overwhelms - depending on the situation, your relationship with the person hospitalized, etc. I am grateful for a good friend who was actually willing to help manage my catheter bag and rolling IV pole (yes, true story!) and take me on a walk or two around the floor after my surgery. However, there were definitely times during my stints when I was exhausted and it would have been a drain to visit with even my favorite people. If you aren't sure that a visit is the most helpful thing you can do, here are some suggestions:
• Ask a close family member or spouse - someone who is attune with the situation and knows whether a visit would be genuinely appreciated. (This takes the pressure off of a friend who really is tired, but may be afraid of hurting feelings by denying a request to come by.)
• Drop-off a thoughtful gift - (see below for ideas!) - you can leave it at the nurses station, or even stop by the room (if appropriate) but say that you only came by to bring it and say "hi" quick. This gives them grace to allow you to leave if they are tired or overwhelmed at the moment, or they can insist that you stay if a chat with you is what they need to brighten their day.
• Ask with another option - if you have a "direct line" in your relationship with the person, you can ask something like, "Hey would you like for me to come by for a bit, or can I __________________?" This is another way to give grace to them to "bow out" of face-to-face interaction by choosing the other option. (Just make sure the other option is helpful, heheehehe... See below for ideas!)
• If you are going to visit, and want to do something constructive with your time, consider bringing materials to give your (girl) friend a pedicure.
• FOOD. I was fortunate to have some pretty decent food options in the hospital where I stayed; however, hospital food in general isn't known to be tasty, and even I got cravings for some fast-food items. It can be a great help to bring something yummy to the patient (if it's okay with the doctor, of course), and/or to feed the family who is there as well. I remember my brother bringing Banh-mi sandwhiches for us down at Children's. We'd never had them before, but it was refreshing, and we felt loved!
• Oh yeah - another idea is to go by the cafeteria and hunt down something good. When I had my second son, I got the most amazing cookie I've ever tasted in my life on my delivered dinner tray one night. Thanks to one of the nurses, I discovered that they made and sold them in the cafeteria; and so I sent my husband to basically buy them out! 

Decent hospital food - a rarity?

Helping take care of "things at home"

• It can be very stressful to be stuck in a hospital when you feel helpless to take care of one's normal day-to-day responsibilities. This is especially true of parents with kids, and even more so with younger kids who are more dependent on mom and dad. Addressing these kind of concerns can be one of the best and most-practical ways to help a loved one who has been hospitalized!
• Take care of the kiddos - I was so grateful to have my parents nearby. They were able to keep my new baby with them at their house for all of the nights and days I spent away from him. If you are equipped and available to help out then go for it! Even if you can't commit to a long period of time there are a lot of things that don't take much like: offering rides to and from school and/or extracurriculars, feeding them, or taking them for a while to go to a park or get frozen yogurt, etc. Knowing that your kids are being taken care of and loved on can relieve a great burden when you are unable to do so yourself.
• Cleaning the house - pick a chore that you can handle to pitch in, organize some friends for a cleaning party, or collect donations to hire a housekeeper. Chances are, your loved one's spouse/family isn't in much of a position to help keep up with chores and cleaning; and coming home to a clean house is a great load of stress off their shoulders! (Don't forget gardening needs, or pets.)
• Meals for after the hospital - this is a great suggestion from a friend of mine. There are some meals that freeze well (search on Google or Pinterest if you need ideas.) Of course you can also organize fresh, delivered meals with friends and family - and freezer meals can be used to fill in gaps or for long-term needs.
• Discharge day - have a crockpot meal ready to make the house smell good, fresh flowers on the counter, tidy up the house, set the thermostat to a comfortable temperature, set out towels so a shower is ready-to-go, etc. Little touches like this help ease them back into their home and make the transition less stressful for sure!

Gift Baskets, Care Packages, and Necessities

• Sometimes, hospitalizations occur without notice - and in this case it's great to check in and make sure that toiletries and other comfort items are available to those who are at the hospital. If needed, you can get a list from the spouse or other family member to grab items from their home. (I had to utilize this option a few times myself.) I found a great blog post you can check out here that extensively covers this topic, or here are some other ideas for care packages to make their stay more bearable:

• Pinterest and Google have great pictures of baskets and lists for comfort items and "survival" kits for the person who is hospitalized. These work great as well for the close family members who are also spending a lot of time there. Some examples: Travel-size toiletries, chapstick, hand sanitizer, reading materials, lotion, warm socks, gum/breath mints, chocolate, hair ties, bath sponge. 
• Specifically for kids - busy bags and activity books are a great idea because this is something that you can give to the family to use at home to help them be distracted from worry, or for giving kiddos something to do while visiting at the hospital. (Or for kids who are the ones hospitalized.) Here are some helpful links for ideas:
• Pinterest
• Google
• Etsy (for pre-made ones)
• Amazon  (if you have prime - have something shipped directly to family, or take advantage of the fast delivery to yourself and then put together a basket)
• You can also go to the $1 bins at Target, or to a dollar store, to find some good stuff!
• Treats & Snacks - hospital food, and hospital cafeterias, can be fairly "hit or miss". It could be a welcome idea to put together a basket of goodies, (and healthy stuff too), for the patient and/or visitors. (You may want to check in with the nurses station in cases where the patient is on a restricted diet if you want something specifically for them.)
• "Side note" on pampering - another special memory I have is when my aunt and mom came by my hospital room together and helped wash my hair with this cool little shampoo/head cap thing. It might be worth it to check with a nurse to see if those are available if your loved one is bedridden during their stay and a conventional shower is not an easy option.

Cards & Flowers

• A fresh beautiful bouquet of flowers can do a lot to cheer up a hospital room, and make someone feel loved and thought-about. It's also an easy action for a loved one who doesn't live near you - simply do a web search for their local flower delivery options, (or check in with the hospital gift shop). If it's not in your own budget, get a few friends to pitch in and cover the cost and send it together. 
• An Edible Arrangement, or other yummy, deliverable treat, might be a welcome sight for munching on. Just make sure that there aren't any hospital rules against this or dietary restrictions for the patient. (Of course, these are also great options for sending to the house after they are discharged.)
• Hallmark, and other card retailers should have a decent "get well" selection to choose from. You can also search Etsy for something more specific if you desire. 
• If the person hospitalized has kids, one great idea could be to do a "card making" project with them so that they could make something special for mom/dad. (Or have your own kids make them.) I love these ideas I found on Pinterest:

• These are also great to make for a child who is hospitalized. They would certainly bring a smile!
• If you want to be better at writing cards, check out my post about Snail Mail!

Other Misc. Ideas

• When I was hospitalized away from my baby, the family of a patient in the room next to mine bought me a recordable book from Hallmark so that I could record myself reading it so that my little one could hear my voice. It was an incredible touching gesture and a great idea for anyone with kiddos!
• The nurses in the hospital gave my husband a baby blanket (they had me hold it for a while so it "smelled like me") and a picture of me to put in my baby's bassinet. 
• You could put a picture of your friend's kids in a pretty frame to brighten up their hospital room. (Modify this idea for any age/situation.)
• Purchase an iTunes gift card to give them so they could download some new music. Music is "food for the soul" indeed! This would lift their spirits and help pass the time. (Include a set of headphones if they don't have any with them from home.)
• If they have an android phone, see if there is an equivalent that would work
• You could also offer to purchase some new apps/games for their phone to provide fun and distraction
• Extra-long phone cord - sometimes hospitals are set up with conveniently-located electrical sockets, but this isn't always the case. Check in with the patient to see if a super long cord might come in handy for keeping charged to stay connected, play games, listen to music, etc right from their hospital bed. 
• "Comfort Blanket" - A smaller, super-snuggly blanket can be a welcome comfort when in bed for a long period of time. Hospital bedding isn't known for it's vibrant colors, or soft sheets.... (You could also find a pretty pillow case, or a comfy body pillow.)
• Travel Games - great for passing the time in a small space. We happened to find a travel-sized game of Sequence in the hospital gift shop, and I have some great memories of playing it with my husband. This is also a practical item that you can have shipped directly from Amazon. You could buy for the adults, or for kids. 
• Thank you gifts for the nurses/doctor - I sure had some wonderful nurses who took care of me (and my hubby) during my times as an invalid. It could be a sincere and sweet gesture to thank the hospital staff who is providing care for your loved one. Here are some good ideas.
• Celebrations/etc. - We ended up celebrating our wedding anniversary over a chili dog dinner at the Ronald McDonald House, instead of going on the date night we'd planned. Our new friends, whose baby was in the room next to ours, surprised us with a make-shift cup of celebratory goodies. That gesture is emblazoned on our hearts! If the hospitalization takes place over a birthday/anniversary, etc you could put together a little something to help make it special. (Doesn't have to be over-the-top, but often these dates fall in priorities when there is illness/injury, so it would be super sweet to acknowledge and help them celebrate!)
• Be an advocate and/or help figure out details at the hospital - If the family is overwhelmed, or you are a close family member or friend, you can step in to help in these difficult circumstances. Things you can do: locate vending machines and other comfort facilities, ask nurses and other staff for blankets/water/etc on behalf of those staying in the room for extended times, map out close locations for drug stores / grocery stores / restaurants, write down important information so that it's not forgotten in the midst of emotional trauma or chaos, and (hopefully not often, but sometimes necessary) step in to advocate if a doctor appears to be misinterpreting questions or situations, or be a "strong voice" as needed.

The goal of this post is not to overwhelm you! You are not meant to do all of these things; and in most cases not even many of these things. The goal is to provide a wealth of ideas for you to figure out what works best with your gifts, resources, interests, and time. I also think I would have loved having this page for myself as a patient so that I had ideas about what to tell people when they asked what I needed.

Getting as comfy as possible, spending another night at the hospital!

As always, if you have other suggestions please comment below!

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Snail Mail - Bringing back the old school...

A while ago I posed a question on Facebook, "What has it meant for you to receive a cute, funny, and/or caring greeting card from someone in the "Snail Mail"? Especially when it wasn't expected." To my surprise, I had almost 30 people comment! (I haven't had that many comments on a post since I had a baby...)

Something about getting a card in the mail really struck a cord with people. Here are a few of the things that they had to say about it:

It made my day much better. I was pleasantly surprised, felt loved, thought about. And yes I saved every one of the cards, I pull them out occasionally when I'm not having such a good day.

Like someone not only cares, but considers me valuable and loved, that they would take the time to be creative and express that for me means more than words can express.

They are more special than 100 people saying "Happy Birthday" on FB. Because sending a card is "not as easy", there is a sense that there is more thought to it, and more caring in it.

Sending someone a card may seem like a trivial action, but I can assure you that it is not! My hope in this post is to inspire and equip you to become a Card-Writer; hopefully giving you ideas and tools to overcome obstacles like finding the time, and knowing what to write in a card.

How to Write a Card

These cards (above) are what I would refer to as "day brighteners" or "sending a smile". When I know someone I love is going through a tough time, in my mind I feel like sending them a random card like one of these is a perfect way to bring them a much-needed smile. That can be encouraging in of itself! You don't have to have the perfect, inspiring words to write inside - a simple "thinking of you", "sending a hug", or other short note of love and friendship will suffice to remind them that they aren't alone. (And yes, I will also share with you some other cards I have found for a variety of situations if you'd like one that is more specific.)

If you are hoping for some more help with things to write - I will share with you my own secret! I have this random little desktop calendar that has beautiful, encouraging verses and quotes on each page. This is where I find my own inspiration. I consider the friend, and the purpose for sending the card, and flip through until I find the perfect quote to write. I even have some of my favorite pages ear-marked so that I can find them easily. Then I write a simple, sweet, short, heart-felt note.

Bookstores, gift shops like Hallmark, and Amazon are retailers where you can be sure to find little books of encouraging quotes and verses to keep on hand.

Did you know that people have actually written books on how to write a card to someone? "Words to the Rescue: The sentiment guide for the tongue tied. 1000 thoughtful things to write on the card when you don't have a clue." That's one that I found on a quick Amazon search, and I've seen a few others out there.

"But isn't that cheating?!" You may ask. I suggest that it is not! For one, you don't have to copy everything word-for-word. The more often you reference these resources, the more likely you are to develop your own words and sense for how to express your thoughts. Besides, I can guess that the time and effort it takes for you to search a book or the Internet for a quote, verse, or other inspiration definitely "counts" in showing your love by the effort that you are putting in.

If you are a Pinterest person, I suggest starting a board and pinning quotes and/or verses to keep on hand. You can even use Google as a great resource.

I would also highly suggest that you check out this GREAT video on Sympathy vs. Empathy. (Do it - do it right now! It's only about 3 minutes long!) This is a video that Lindsey is using in her presentation in our workshop for how to talk with people who are going through challenges. It is a funny, but to-the-point video of awesomeness that will bring you understanding and help you avoid some phrases that can actually be kind of harmful, even though you don't intend that.

Another thing you can do is find a card that expresses the words for you. Sometimes it just takes someone who has walked that road to find the right words - and sometimes those people write cards because they know. I have occasionally found some good, serious, heart-felt cards like that at Hallmark. Etsy is a perfect resource for this - because shop owners on this site many times exist to "fill in the gap" for products (in this case cards for special situations) that you can't find elsewhere. Check out this one for a miscarriage:

This card brings tears to my eyes every time...

Anyhow, if I could finish this section with just one thought it would be this: "Don't let not knowing what to say keep you from sending that card." None of the quotes that I shared from my Facebook quotes said that it was the amazing, life-changing words that made the impact. It was the thought and effort that someone had put in to taking the time to send them a card in the mail. 

How to "find the time" to Send a Card

If this topic is one that "speaks to your soul", then my first suggestion is that you make it a priority to use some time to put together a card "kit".

Basically - have everything you need to get that card in the mail in ONE PLACE. Everything from the card, to the stamp, and all that you'd need in between. Here's a checklist for you:

• Cards (keep a variety on hand - don't necessarily wait for a need to arise to go buy one)
• Address book
• Pens
• Stamps
• Address labels
• Envelopes
• Stickers (add some fun embellishment)
• Quote book
• Gift cards (ie: $5 Starbucks - have a latte on me!)
• Encouraging mini cards to stick inside 
• Bloom Daily Planners has some pretty, neutral ones I love!
• Etsy has a great collection of mini verse cards 

If you take a little bit of time to put this together, it will save you a ton of time later on. Seriously, you could get a card completely done and ready within 5 minutes, and stick it in the mail. You may even have fun putting it together, and collecting the cards themselves. (I know I love it - going to Hallmark is a special treat for me!)

One of the convenient aspects of using a card to encourage someone is that it doesn't have to take a lot of time or money; and, if you keep some on hand, you can do it without leaving the house. This is especially helpful to busy mamas who usually find that their only free time is during naps, which leaves them tied to home and limits options. Naptime is the perfect time to grab your card kit and actually accomplish something to encourage friends! (If you'd like to write cards on a regular basis, you could even designate one naptime a month to writing cards, and then stagger putting them in the mail - for birthdays that are a couple weeks out, or several cards to a friend going through an extended challenging time.)

The "card kit" and scheduling card writing time are the two most-mentioned and relevant suggestions that I have come across. If I hear of other ways to make card writing easier I will let you know! (Or, if you have some, please comment.)

Okay, so let's end on some resources for buying cards:

• Hallmark
• I'm all for supporting this retailer, and my husband sometimes jokes that I help keep them in business! Most of the cards that I have sent, and shared at the beginning of this post, are the "Fresh Ink" brand. It seems like this brand is changing to "Studio Ink", from what I've noticed in recent visits. In all my searching, I haven't found another brand that has the super-random, funny cards like these. Unfortunately, prices at Hallmark are higher than other options.
• Target, Walmart, Grocery Stores, etc
• What is great about these places is that you can peruse the card section while you are shopping for other necessities; so it doesn't require a separate trip. I've also found some fun boxed sets of cute cards that are on the less expensive side.
• Hobby Lobby
• This store actually has a great little section of cute cards for only $.99. I've stocked up on  a couple of my favorites that are specifically for mamas.
• Trader Joes
• Another reason to love Trader Joes - cute cards for only $.99! The selection is somewhat limited, but they still cover most reasons you'd buy a card and the cards themselves are pretty and fun. 
• Etsy
• This is the BEST place to find cards for specific topics like adoption, miscarriage, infertility, divorce, etc. Just do a search for whatever situation fits. (You can also check out my post on simple support for infertility and miscarriage for other gift ideas that I have found from this site.)
• Marshalls, Ross, HomeGoods, etc.
• These kind of stores are great places to find boxed set of cards. The selection is more "luck of the draw", but I would definitely suggest checking out what they have if you enjoy shopping for "random finds". You can also score some pretty good deals. 
• Handmade cards
• If you have at least some skill, and the time to do it, handmade cards are also a wonderful option for expressing care for others. Again, Pinterest and Google are great resources for inspiration. And if you don't have the time, but love the sentiment behind them, chances are that you know someone who you can "commission" to make some cards for you. (And if you don't, I'd be happy to give a recommendation.)

Hobby Lobby

Etsy

Trader Joes

I hope that this post has inspired you to "bring back the old school"!

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Infertility and Miscarriage - Thoughtful Gifts

If infertility and/or miscarriage haven't affected you personally, chances are that you know someone who they have. My husband and I personally walked the road of infertility for about four years before we had our first little boy - a true joy and miracle! While I have not experienced the sorrow of miscarriage myself, I know several friends who have; and I can guess that I know many more who haven't shared the heartache outside of intimate circles.

There is so much that we could write and share with you about these two topics! In the future, we have plans to collaborate on topics concerning how to talk with someone who is going through it. This post will focus on some simple ideas for gifts and cards that are specific to these incredibly painful life experiences. These small things can be a true encouragement, and the thoughtfulness behind them can speak silent volumes. (Especially if you are at a loss for words.)

• Be a shoulder to cry on.
• So this isn't a "tangible" gift, but I couldn't write this post without mentioning it. I distinctly remember sitting in a Starbucks on one of the most painful days of my infertility journey, sobbing my heart out to my BFF. I'm sure I must have been quite a sight! I was so miserable that I didn't care who saw me or heard my muffled words of pain and grief. She simply sat and listened, and shared my burden by just being there for me. There were many other instances over those years where I was so grateful for the chance to "cry it out" in the presence of a friend who loved me enough to support me in this way. If you don't know what to say to bring comfort, a genuine hug and a willing ear are always a blessing of a gift! 

• A "snail mail" card
• I tend to keep a supply of random funny cards on hand to send to someone who is going through a tough time. My thoughts on this are that I'm sure that they could use something to make them smile. Usually, I will also find an encouraging quote or verse to write inside. Hallmark, Target, Hobby Lobby, and Trader Joes (or other stores) all carry a variety of sweet, encouraging, and "thinking of you" type cards that serve the general purpose quite well. However, it's hard to find one that is specific to infertility or miscarriage - so I want to spread the word about some of the AWESOME cards that I have found on Etsy! 

As you can see - there is quite an assortment of options, and, depending on your personality and the personality of your friend, you should be able to find the perfect card. (I've left the names of the shops on the images I have shared if you'd like to purchase one of these, or just go to Etsy and do a search for "Infertility card" or "Miscarriage card".) Personally, I would have died (in a good way!) if someone had sent me the ferret card! ;0)

• Small, meaningful, "token gifts".
• If you know the woman, and her personality, really well you might decide that a special piece of jewelry is an appropriate gift that will encourage her heart. (I once gave a girlfriend a locket engraved with "Romans 12:12", and told her to hold on to the hope that someday she WOULD have the picture of her own precious baby to put inside.) However, be mindful that some gals aren't quite comfortable about being public with their journey. If you know that's the case, or just aren't sure, I'm including a few other ideas:

This is a phrase used specifically in infertility circles.
(Well wishes, and "good luck" type sentiment.)

Again, these items are all pulled from Etsy. You can find many more by doing a search for "Infertility gift" or "Miscarriage Gift". On a personal note, the same friend who let me cry with them in Starbucks also hand-made a framed pretty flower painting and verse. Pinterest is another great source of inspiration for gifts that you can look to purchase, or for ideas that you can make yourself if you are of the artist or craft persuasion.

• Care Packages / Gift Baskets
• This is an idea that does take some time, but you can spend as little or a much as you need. Pinterest has a lot of great ideas about care packages and baskets in general. If you're not sure where to start, think about items that are great for stress relief: candles, bubble bath, chocolate, wine (if they enjoy it), lavender scents, etc. 
• "Sunshine" baskets/packages - I think this is such a cool idea! Basically, collect things that are yellow. It's perfect for any type of situation where someone could use a smile and a little cheering up or encouragement:

• Books - Can be part of a care package, or a gift all on it's own. There are plenty of ways you can use one. If you want to give them a much-needed distraction, choose a best-seller or genre you know will "suck them in". You could also go for general encouragement; (a friend once gave me a copy of "Hinds Feet on High Places", a beautiful and powerful allegory. I always keep a copy on hand for anyone going through a painful life trial.) There are also infertility and miscarriage-specific options. I have passed on my copy of a snarky-titled book that I read myself, and several friends have recommended Hannah's Hope, which is appropriate for both infertility and miscarriage (and also has a great website ministry with a ton of resources). My recommendations stem from a Christian perspective, because that's who I am and therefor a lens in which I found great comfort; however you can easily do an Amazon search that will give you some good "neutral" options with plenty of reviews to gauge their effectiveness in helping women during this trying time. 
• Please note: Unless your friend has specifically asked for it, (or you know them well-enough that you know this type of book would be appreciated), please refrain from books that detail HOW to get pregnant.

• A meal
• The very first time that I personally experienced a dear friend opening up to me that she'd had a miscarriage, I didn't quite know what to do or say. So I did the one thing I knew how to love her by - I arranged some meals for her and her husband over the course of the next week or so. Food is just the way we show love! When a friend is dealing with the emotional turmoil and deep pain that infertility and miscarriage bring, it can be a relief to not have to worry about cooking dinner. It's also a good way to encourage them to make sure they take care of themselves, especially if they are battling depression. If they are dealing with infertility specifically, providing meals on days of procedures is one of the best ways to offer your support! (My sister-in-law drove down from Corona and brought us Costco chicken alfredo when I was on bedrest after my first embryo transfer. I also have a picture of my mom serving me lunch in bed. It was such a bright spot in my day, and a welcome distraction from anxiety.)
• If this sounds like a great idea, but you're feeling overwhelmed with what's happening in your own life, check out the post "How to feed friends when you can barely feed yourself."
• Flowers
• There's a reason why flowers are well-known in the gift world - such a simple, happy way to say "I love you". I decided to share my infertility journey online with a blog, so almost all of my friends and family knew how I was doing and our status. Consequently, they all knew when I would be finding out if the IVF had worked! The day of my blood test at the fertility center coincided with my teacher book club. One of my dear colleague friends showed up with a beautiful bouquet for me and told me that she was sure I would need it "whatever the outcome of the pregnancy test". This thoughtful gesture is forever emblazoned on my heart. 
  

This post will be updated as I collect experiences from others who can lend input from personal experience. If you have an idea to share, please comment below! 💙

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